outerfringe | @hardlydead

@hardlydead

[One day David simply stops appearing by the fire with the rest of them, and Jeff does his very best to be relieved for him. There are only two real possible reasons for that, right? Either he'd actually died for real, or he'd managed to find a way back home- and either way, it meant that he was out of this place. Jeff tries to be happy for him, and for the most part, he is.

He doesn't think about David at all the first day after he wakes up on the cold floor of the Ormond resort, back stiff and jacket crusted with frost. Instead he's too busy finding his way back to town, organizing arrangements to make it home. His apartment key no longer works, he recognizes none of his neighbors, but his bank account was still somehow in alright standing.

Jeff finds a new place. He does not find a new dog.

He feels weird about creating a Facebook account just to check for David, but he does it anyway. When that comes up fruitless, he thinks a lot about the conversations the two of them had while tucked close together in the dark. Wonders if David would even want to be found by someone like him, to be faced with a reminder of the time they'd spent doing everything they could to simply survive.

Jeff tries to paint but can't seem to pull himself out of severe blacks and reds. Tries to catch up on the music he'd missed from the bands he'd loved but it fails to soothe him the way it had before. He considers a therapist, and then decides that he'd be locked away the second he was candid enough for someone to actually help him.

So he packs some things, books a flight. Finds himself at his fifth seedy pub in three days without much hope - except this time when he says he's looking for David King, the big guy by the bar makes a point of sizing him up. Jeff sets his shoulders, frowns and promises that he's an old friend, but it doesn't seem to affect much the scowl on the guy's face. He says something (that Jeff completely misses, he can barely understand a goddamn thing when people here are drunk and loud), but seems to indicate for him to wait.

Which he does. He parks on a stool with a drink, assumes his most unapproachable aura, and waits. He doesn't know who he's expecting to appear, but it's not David.

There's not a chance it would actually be that simple.]

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[ oh. fuck. ]

[ david hesitates for a moment, unsure what to do. this isn't a machete he can throw himself on, a punch he can take to get someone out, he doesn't really know what to do. but he has the good sense at least to not leave jeff alone, follows him after that moment to the bathroom, accidentally shoulder checks someone on their way out in his hurry but he doesn't stop to apologise. not that he would anyway. ]

So, uh. [ they should leave. that seems like the smart thing to do. like when the gates are almost powered but-- ] Fancy an early dinner? I'm thinking Indian. I could mur... [ ahem ] Fuckin' hoover down a curry I think.

[ it's a weak excuse to go, but he doesn't feel like this is the place to start asking jeff how he's doing. ]

[The bathroom is, thankfully, mostly empty - and the few that are in there are mostly polite enough to avert their eyes from the tall, heavily tattooed man gripping the edges of the sink with white knuckles.

Later, he'll be embarrassed, but right now he's just trying to get himself together.

Jeff casts a sidelong glance at David, his eyes uncharacteristically wide, hearing but not really comprehending what he says.]

Uh. Just - give me a minute.

[ fuck okay. david leans against the wall next to the sink and puts his hands in his pockets, hands clenched, desperate to reach out to touch jeff but he can't. he clenches his jaw, looking up at the others pretending not to notice jeff and then back to him. ]

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

[ he should've thought of this. the city holds its mining history close with a lot of pride, of course the museum exhibits would be vivid. too much. ]

[Drowning out his parents' fights, the screaming and slamming doors, had always been - well, not easy, but simpler. Loud music drowned it out in the moment; art became an escape from the memories that clung after the fact. He gained a reputation for stoicism that felt completely unearned. Felt fraudulent, no matter how much he tried to lean into it, to make it part of himself. Emotion didn't bounce off of him - he simply found ways to vent the worst of the pressure in private.

But this was too much. The dreams were still vivid - how often had his nightmares featured himself, back at the bonfire, realizing that his return to real life had simply been wishful thinking? How often had he closed his eyes just to see someone he'd come to consider a friend, impaled by black spiderlike legs ascending upward?

Two weeks after his return, a stranger had tapped his shoulder in an empty grocery store to ask him for help retrieving something from a high shelf, and for a second he'd been ready to throw his cart to the floor and run. It wasn't a healthy startle response.

Jeff splashes his face again, if only to try to mask some of the cold sweat with water, before he turns off the tap and shoves slightly trembling hands into his pocket. Doesn't speak, just swings his head to look at David, uncertain.]

[ david's face is set in a deep, worried frown. his protective instinct is well honed, but it's a physical one, one set to protect his friends from harm. it makes his adrenaline spike a little, makes him ready to fight anyone who even casts a look jeff's way, but that's not... that's not helpful. ]

[ they should leave. that's useful. he can do that, get jeff out of the museum. then somewhere quiet. private. ]

Let's get out of here, yeah?

[Jeff's face remains neutral for a moment, still seeming to barely register what he's being told, before his throat jumps with a swallow. He's not good at this part, leaning on someone else for the emotional bits. Even when he'd nearly lost sight in his eye, when he'd struggled between the decision of staying near his doctor or going back on the road-]

I might-

[His voice is more haggard than he'd realized it would be. He pauses, just enough to wince at it.]

I might go back to the hotel. For a little bit. Take a nap. Meet up with you for - for dinner.

Nah, I'll come with you.

[ god it aches to see jeff like this, to hear his voice like that. david tries desperately to sound casual, but he's focused in hard on trying to figure out how to help. the foundation of this is just being there and he's not so blind to people's feelings as to not recognise that's more helpful than leaving jeff alone right now. ]

I don't- I'm not good at-

[But his tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he doesn't actually want to be left alone - it just feels like an abrupt burden to thrust onto someone else.

Quietly, he adds, like this is a surprise to anyone:]

I think this is a panic attack.

Yeah.

[ no shit. ]

[ david nods, but he doesn't really know what to do with those? a museum bathroom doesn't feel like a great place to tackle it though. ]

Let's get you outta the building.

[ is that good? it sounds good. ]

[He takes a breath meant to be bracing. One, then another, before peeling himself from where he stands and heading for the door.

He'll be fine. He just needs to get out of here. Take a bath, maybe, dunk his head beneath some water and let it finish rolling off him.

Jeff keeps his eyes averted, trained on his feet as he beelines for the exit.]

[ david stays close, sticks just in front of jeff to lead him out, primarily just acting like a human battering ram to make sure nobody gets in the way. it's not tough, the place isn't exactly crowded and they're both big dudes, but david with a scowl on his face and his chest puffed out isn't exactly someone anyone wants to get in the way of either. ]

Here-- this way.

[ once they're out, there's a little residential area across the road, more importantly there's a wall they can walk around so that nobody's staring while jeff's doing... this. ]

[The outside air helps snap him back to his senses, even if his heart continues to pound in his chest in a way that's nearly painful. He follows David blindly - trusts him, even if he hates to be seen like this - and he stalls out when they finally reach the relative privacy of the little road.

It'd be better, he thinks, if he had headphones, could blast himself into mental oblivion with music. As it is, he's just left giving David a slightly wild-eyed look of apology.]

I didn't realize- sorry. It hasn't been that bad for a while.

No, it's... I should've thought...

[ he clenches his jaw, shakes his head. it's easier to drown out his own memories when he focuses on jeff, but that comes with a light dusting of guilt too. he should've thought of this. ]

You haven't even been back 'a while', Jeff.

[ it's a little hesitant, but david reaches out, puts a hand on his upper arm to give it a light squeeze. ]

Even if you had-- nothin' you should apologise for.

[Jeff doesn't mean to jump the way he does when David's hand lands on his arm, but he can't help it: the reaction is immediate and obvious, and the jerk away is more about escaping the sensory input than it is getting away from David.]

You didn't know it'd -

[Fuck. Is this something he's going to have to navigate for the rest of his life? Meltdowns when he sees something innocuous?]

Let's just- walk.

[ okay, touch bad. got it. david pulls his hand away quickly, nods and shoves his hands in his jacket pockets. ]

Yeah. Yeah okay. Sure.

[ david looks around and gestures with a tilt of his head before he turns to start at a meandering pace through the estate. it'll be quiet this time of day, at most maybe some old person walking their yappy little dog. quiet seems like what jeff needs right now maybe? or at least Not People. ]

[The quiet helps. Being able to put his head down, to move, to just - exist, unbothered in sunlight, even on a cloudy day. It calms him down significantly. He sticks close to David, even if he never quite comes close enough to touch him, and remains silent for a while.

When he finally does talk, he at least sounds composed again.]

Thought about seeing someone. A therapist or something, you know? But what would I even say.

"So this is gonna sound crazy..."

[ ha ha good joke. david has no idea, he's never considered therapy, outside of some forced (and very generously named) anger management in school, he's never been. communicating something as impossible as what they've been through has never occurred to him, because it's not something he ever planned to do. ]

Suppose it kinda defeats the purpose if you aren't totally honest with 'em.

[He'd considered it, actually, when he'd begun to grieve his father. It was an alien concept when he'd returned from the fog, found his father's still empty and dusty house, the guitar left for him still in it.

It felt just a little bit like he'd been cheated out of processing his grief for him.

Jeff sighs, pulls his hair loose just so he can tie it up again, something that by now is probably an obvious nervous habit.]

Thanks. For getting me out of there.

Course.

[ it wasn't like it was hard, and jeff would do the same. david looks down at the ground as they walk, kicks an empty bottle with a thoughtful frown. part of him thinks maybe therapy would be good for jeff anyway, but another part of him has visions of jeff in a straitjacket being wheeled away for the sheer insanity of what he's saying. ]

[ there's gotta be a middle ground or something though, right. he clears his throat. ]

I'm, uh. I'm not a therapist obviously, but if you need to talk. [ he shrugs ] I'm here.

Nah. [The dismissal comes pretty much immediately, and Jeff winces slightly with it.] I just mean - you're dealing with it, too. Not really right to ask that of you.

[ david shakes his head. he's not gonna push jeff to talk about it, but that just seems silly to him. ]

I've got a year up on you dealing with it. [ also-- ] And you're not asking anything of me, I'm offering.

[He watches his own feet, uncertain. Silent for a long stretch, before finally-]

Guess I just get- I don't know. Flashbacks? Hallucinations? It's exhausting, man.

[ he makes a soft noise of understanding, nodding a little and also looking down at the ground as they walk. ]

It's rough. Trying to just... Get on with it like this shit is normal.

[ it's been years since he had a conversation like this with anyone-- hell, jeff was probably the last one, but he's trying to find that sweet spot of just. making him feel comfortable enough to keep going, talk just enough himself to keep things rolling. ]

... wonder a lot about the people around me. How many people have seen stuff, you know? And just stay quiet about it.

[Obviously there were very few cases like theirs - it was impossible to hide the disappearance and re-emergence into society, but, still. How many were out there nursing their own trauma in secret, worried that bringing it to light would make them look unhinged?]

You tell anyone? Since you've been back.

Fuck no.

[ he shakes his head emphatically. even the shit they'd learned there, the stuff that elodie and felix and haddie used to go on about, it all got filed away. ]

'Til you showed up I was halfway to convincing myself it never even happened. Maybe it was some fucked up dream 'cause I didn't want to know what really happened to me.

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